Pimp your vagina!

How do you wear your hair? Short and curly? Or maybe you go get your monthly Brazilian wax. When it comes to the vagina and pubic hair, it seems like nothing is off limits anymore. Grown-up women shaving their hair in the form of a heart, and funky teenage girls getting their clitoris pierced. But lately, it seems that vaginas are a little out of control.

Apparently, there are thousands of women who have plastic surgery on their vagina. We’ve heard about labial reduction, prepuce removal (when they cut away the skin covering the clitoris, so it becomes exposed), tightening of the vagina and more pubis reduction (a liposuction… down there). And what is even scarier is that more and more pregnant women prefer a c-section over natural childbirth, to keep their ‘honeymoon vagina’. In Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, the middle and upper-class women almost all give birth in private hospitals. Some of those hospitals have a 93% c-section rate. Can you imagine?

But let’s stop worrying about the shape and elasticity of our private parts. Instead, let’s worry about the colour. Yes, you heard me. Apparently all vaginas should have a soft, pink shade, just like in the movies. ‘My new Pink Button’ is a company that produces paint. They call it a ‘temporary dye’. The product comes in four shades of pink: Marilyn (the lightest colour), Betty (hot pink), Ginger (for those with a darker skin tone) and Audrey (dark, burgundy pink). The colour lasts from 48 to 72 hours. The manual says ‘a slight irritating feeling might occur. This is normal’. Are you serious?

Ok, so now we have a tiny, tight, pink vagina without any hair at all. Aren’t we forgetting something? Of course, the smell! Because God forbid that a vagina should actually smell like a vagina. Linger mints (see photo) was the invention of a company called Admints, and they promised it would give your vagina a fresh smell and better taste. Wait, somebody actually expects me to put a piece of candy in my …? Are they crazy? Doctors warned that the mints contain sugar, which is bad for the PH and can cause infections.

Right now, the linger website is offline. If it was due to common sense, a lawsuit or a search for a new scent is anybody’s guess. And for a final touch, why don’t we spice things up with some Swarovski crystals? Just for a little decoration maybe.  It helped Jennifer Love-Hewitt to get over a break-up. A friend of hers decorated the actress’ private parts with rhinestones and “It shined like a disco ball”. Maybe that is why she is still single!

And exactly where is this going to stop? Let me tell you one thing: no plastic surgeon, deodorant, jewel, paint or hair stylist is going anywhere near my va-jay-jay. Maybe it doesn’t look like the one of a porn star, but it’s mine. It’s healthy and I love it. And I have never heard anyone complain that it’s not pink enough or that it smells strange. So let’s all forget these silly worries and just enjoy ourselves!

Planning a holiday? Show the world you are proud of your body and that you like it just the way it is. Get all warm and comfy in a Finnish sauna or Hungarian Spa, and later you can just dive naked into an icy swimming pool to cool off! Rent the best apartments in Budapest!